Hello, straight men. I like you. You’re fun to hang out with and play pool with and talk to. Hell, I’ve even had sex with some of you and enjoyed it quite a bit. Also? We share a common interest in having sex with ladies. As someone who has been on both sides of the lady sexing equation, I feel like I am remarkably positioned to do you a solid. A solid that may boomerang agreeably in my favor one day, true, but mostly a solid that will help you and women and the spreading of joy in general.
So without further ado, here’s what I would tell you if I knew you really well and we were hanging out as friends and we were also maybe a drink or two in.
1. There is no Konami code for getting women off.
I know that sucks: I’d love a set of clear and infallible instructions leading to guaranteed ladygasms too. We all would. But those instructions just don’t exist. The facts are that every woman’s body is different and every woman’s mind is different. While there are certainly intersections, what turns a woman on and/or what gets her off can be very different than what worked for the last woman you were with. So that means you’re going to have to do two things: Talk to her about what she likes and pay attention to her reactions when you try something.
If that sounds like it’s going to take some time and patience, you’re correct. You know why queer women have sex once and then end up dating for three to seventy-five years? It’s because they’re spending that time learning to make each other climax like Beethoven’s ninth.
2. Watch all the porn you want, but please don’t learn your sex moves from porn.
Sex and porn actually have a tiny but key difference in their goals. The purpose of actual sex is to produce pleasure (and, presumably, orgasms) for you and the nice lady you’re having sex with. The purpose of porn, however, is not to produce orgasms for the people who are having sex. The purpose of porn is to produce orgasms for you, the viewer.
See how important that difference is? Porn is about what looks good to you, not about what actually feels good to a woman. And those, alas, are often different things. For example, most porn keeps a woman’s breasts visible at all times because they are marvelous to look at. However, a woman whose breasts are in full view is a woman who’s missing out on the pleasure of having them touched (see below).
And while it is true that no sex advice works for every woman, I can tell you that most women are not crazy about such beloved signature porn moves as mechanically jack-hammering a woman with your cock while paying zero attention to her clitoris. Same deal with bending her into spine-endangering positions in order to get her ladybits up in the air while her face is jammed into the bedding.
Also, never, ever, ever ejaculate in a woman’s face unless she has specifically asked you to do so. Even then, you should probably ask a few clarifying follow-up questions just to make sure.
3. Level up your relationship with boobs.
Boobs are the best. Can we agree on that? The best. They are fun to look at, fun to hold, and just fun to be around in general. If there is one gift I could give you, my straight dude pal, it would be getting to experiencing the magic of being one half of a lady-lady makeout, in which four—Four!—boobs are involved.
Here’s the thing to keep in mind, though: Boobs are not merely magically soft objects for you to touch; they are concentrated pleasure delivery devices. Which means that it’s not just that you touch them, it’s how you touch them.
First off, watch the mashing. I know that once you’re given the go-ahead, it’s tempting to give boobs a big ol’ squeeze (like they show in porn!), but as the owner of a fairly sensitive pair, please don’t do that. It’s for roughly the same reason that I wouldn’t greet you by giving your balls a kung-fu grip.
It’s not really your fault if you’ve been oversqueezing the funbags in your life—we’ve had vastly different media training. Through the magic of movie comedies and World’s Funniest Home Videos, women have been taught to treat balls like nuclear warheads that have been encased in Fabergé eggs, only more delicate. Whereas men have been taught that women love nothing more than a good honksqueeze. (Don’t say “honk.” Don’t ever say “honk.” Don’t say the word, and don’t make the noise.)
The wonderful flipside of the please-don’t-squeeze-the-charmings rule, however, is that breasts can be exquisitely sensitive. And variably sensitive. Which means that tiny amounts of stimulus can reap you big rewards, and that as your ladyfriend gets more turned on, she can handle more stimulation, which then gets her even more turned on. Everybody wins.
Her nipples are more sensitive than the rest of her breasts, and her breasts are more sensitive than the surrounding skin, so use that to your advantage too. Tease her a little bit, spiral inward from least sensitive to most sensitive areas, and let the sensations build. The more wound up she is, the more fun you’ll both have, and the more likely she is to think of novel and interesting things to do to you in return.
4. Your dick is your general, not your only soldier.
Straight people (and plenty of gay men) usually learn that sex is when the penis goes in. And, hey, the penis going in is really fun. The problem, sadly, is that most people learn that sex is only what happens when the penis goes in. Most dudes assume that lesbians and bi women think the same thing, partly because so much porn shows lesbians strapping on. Your dick is key to sex for you, and it’s easy to assume that a dick of some sort is key to all sex, so I’m sorry if this next sentence blows your mind a little bit:
I have had entire relationships with women in which we never used a strap-on or penetrative toy of any kind.
No penises, no penis substitutes. To be clear, this wasn’t any sort of a “Rawr! We hate men!” thing. We just . . . never missed having a penis involved.
Ladies who like the D tend to like it a whole bunch. I’m just saying that you can open up your repertoire and take some pressure off your best pal by looking at what else you can use to make your ladyfriend lose her damn mind.
For one thing, if sex doesn’t start when you put your dick in, it can start anywhere. If I know it’s going to happen, sex can last all day for me. I think about it when I’m showering, when I’m putting on lotion to make my skin soft for her, and when I’m choosing what underwear she’ll be tearing off me. I’ll send her a text that’s the right amount of filthy at work, and, while the conversation and mental connection are important, I’ll also let her catch me checking out how hot she is at dinner. It influences the way I put my hand on the small of her back as we get back to her place and the way I kiss her for the first time when we’re finally alone.
It’s not date—foreplay—sex. It’s all sex, on one big continuum. Take the whole concept of “foreplay” as a separate thing out back and shoot it. Putting your dick in is the top layer of the cake, not the cake itself.
5. Be vocal about how much you love her body.
You know how you’re sitting there watching a perfectly good low-investment movie or show and suddenly goddamned Ryan Reynolds or Ryan Gosling or Taye Diggs has his shirt off and now there are perfect pecs and abs all over the place and you’re re-thinking every Cheeto that has ever passed your lips? That slice of suck has been happening every two to thirty minutes for your girl every single day since she was about eight years old. There is almost nothing that is sold to women that isn’t also selling the side message that she’d better be stepping it up in the looks department.
Also happening to her since she was eight? People “winning” arguments with her by telling her she’s fat/ugly/tall/short/flat-chested/top-heavy/wide-hipped/lacking an ass/generally undateable. And rest assured, it is still happening. When they aren’t being threatened with punitive rape, women who dare to express political opinions online are routinely called ugly or unfuckable by the guys they’re arguing with. And in between eight and adult, your ladyfriend got to live through those glorious adolescent years when guys either made fun of her for having tits or made fun of her for not having them. Good times, eh?
By the time she gets to your bed, your ladyfriend has been told that she is not inherently lovable just as she is and that there is something humiliatingly wrong with her looks, at a conservative estimate, 14,683 times. Try to feel alluring and sensual under those conditions. Even if she is an amazing woman full of confidence and moxie, the sheer volume may have worn down on her.
So this is not just a sex tip but a life tip. It’s the one that will, no matter what else happens, make a woman smile whenever she thinks of you. She’ll walk a little straighter, her cheeks will flush, she’ll have an inner glow that makes her feel like she can do just about anything. And her new boyfriend, should she ever even need one, will absolutely fucking hate you.
And all you have to do is mention it when you notice something gorgeous about her. I’m not saying flatter her or make things up. Just tell her sincerely when you see one of those little things that make you crazy for her.
It’s not hard to come up with those things—You’re with her because you’re attracted to her, right?—but it may be scary to say them. It puts you in a faintly vulnerable position, telling her you love that little spot behind her ear or that dimple at her knee, telling her that her tits make you feel like an 18-year-old on a Viagra binge or that you love the curve of her hip when you’re lying next to her.
No matter what else happens, she will always have a place in her heart for you. And no matter what else happens, you will have helped a happier, more confident sexual being take her place in the world.
I’m pretty sure you get bonus points in Sex Heaven for that. Use them well.